Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in You never knew me, you just wish you did's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
9:01 am	I feel like I'm in exactly the same place I was in 2001. Subconciuosly destroying myself and not realizing it until it's too late. I just walked two miles home from a girl's place who I cared about while she was in the bathroom. I didn't say goodbye and I had no good reason to leave, it was just the most painful thing I could think of doing to myself. I don't feel I deserve to be happy. I didn't pay rent last month and I can't pay it this month. I guess it isn't until you've thrown everything away that you realize how much it was worth. Current Mood: numb (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
9:16 am	I have done the most ridiculous, idiotic things in the past week. Not excluding: Kicking my own door in, drinking almost everyday, calling out of work with the excuse I got jumped, taking around 10 hits to the face to at least have something to show for it...then feeling bad when they felt sorry for me. BUT..... I have the next 3 days off, I've finally fallen for an awesome girl after 3 years of being single and sketchy, and I have good friends here who will always listen when I need that "shoulder." Current Mood: high Current Music: some girls: the rains (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
6:55 am	While I'm thinking about it... The only albums I can listen to all the way through and love every song, not simply like, but love, are as follows off the top of my head: Depeche Mode-Violator The Pixies-Doolittle The Smashing Pumpkins-Gish and Siamese Dream 108-Threefold Misery Elliott Smith-last 3 albums Snapcase-Progression Through Unlearning Quicksand-Slip Converge-Petitioning the empy sky Bright Eyes-Fevers and Mirrors Many more, but sleep will cure this boredom as well. (Comment on this)
5:29 am	I just started writing an email to my parents chronicalling everything that has gone wrong since I moved here...pulling no punches, just wanting to be truthful with them and have their support. But of course aol had to kick me off and I lost the whole thing a few sentences short of finishing. Apparently jesus wants me over the edge. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
9:59 am	I just got back tonight from visiting the relatives in connecticut and boston. My parents flew up there as well, and I actually had an amazing time. I got to see everyone, eat tons of lobster rolls and home-cooked italian meals, and forget about work and all the shit I have to deal with back in cali. I started running again there, which I haven't done since I ran cross country in high school. I always used my fucked up knee as an excuse not to run, but I had no problems whatsoever with it. Long story short, it was a nice break from work and I got to spend time with family. It's strange how I lived in CT for 4 years and took them for granted. Now I see them every 4 years and seeing them age, seeing me age, is kind of an awakening. I don't live for today, I go through the motions and hope time passes quickly and painlessly. That kind of makes me sad. (Comment on this)
Friday, July 14th, 2006
7:16 am	It's strange how the past sometimes revisits you, and as you're having these new encounters you're also revisiting past ones in your head. I've come across 5 richmond kids I knew back then, but living out here now in the past two weeks. My sister got jumped 2 weeks ago. Wouldve given anything to have been there. I go to CT and boston in 13 days, I cannot wait. I need a break and some distance. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 15th, 2006
11:47 am	To live my life the way I want to. To do what I believe is right. To devour enemies and celebrate life with friends. To never give up even though it hurts. To fight the blackness inside. To walk alone. To go beyond. To look within. To give yourself. To love and to hate. Today is the day. oh fuck. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 28th, 2006
2:22 am	The parents are in town. It's great spending time with them but it dredges up so many feelings that aren't too comfortable to deal with, to put it lightly. So instead of delving into my "issues," I will go over my last 3 cd purchases. Cave In - Jupiter: I had it when it first came out but somehow lost it over the years. The end of their metal phase but just as amazing as Until the Heart Stops. Next I bought the new Starkweather, "Croatoan." I liked thier first album despite the bad recording and the fact that metal or "metal-core" wasn't in back then. Love the new album, and I'm not a big metal fan so that says a lot. The only comlaint is the tiny sing-songy part thrown in. Hate that shit, especially now that everyone's doing it. Only album I liked by a band that did that was btbam's first. Lastly was the Black Heart Procession's new cd, "the Spell." Pretty great, but not amazing. You have to be in the right mood. Peace. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 18th, 2006
2:14 am	the roots of discontent I believe it was Langston Hughes who said life can be summed up in 3 words, 'it goes on.' Or maybe it was Robert Frost. The identity of the speaker is insignificant. Long after the thrill of living is gone? Perhaps. If you don't realize money means nothing, material posessions mean nothing, success as the american culture defines it is just an empty label...and all you need is friends and family. Money doesn't make me happy anymore, but it sucks scraping up change just to buy ramen. blah. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 2nd, 2006
12:47 am	Life has been hectic, stressful, and many other unsavory things lately. Luckily I see the silver lining up ahead and by the end of the month I plan on having my financial situation under control and solidifying my plans on going back to school in the fall, regardless of whether or not I have to quit my job to do so. I was seeing this career counselor in alabama between graduating college and moving out here, because I still had no idea what I really wanted to do with the rest of my life. We narrowed it down to several occupations that interested me, but didn't really incite the passion needed to go back to school for. Anyways, one thing he said that has always stuck with me was I could go back to school for two or four years and at least be closer to whatever it is I want, or I could sit on my ass for two to four years. Either way, the time is still going to pass and you can't do a damn thing. It just sucks when you hit 27 and you're still wandering aimlessly. But enough of the downers! My parents are visiting at the end of the month and then in july we're all going to connecticut to visit relatives. I havent been there in 4, maybe 5 years...and god knows I need some time off work. Seinfeld's on, so peace! (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 22nd, 2006
5:47 am	New diet So for breakfast I ate a bowl of cereal (half low fat granola, half kashi crunch; no milk, just water), a cup of fat free black cherry yogurt, two whole wheat bagels with cheddar cheese, and some harry and david's packet of mixed nuts. Lunch was some type of reese's candy bar, three pita breads with peppered brie and smoked salmon, a few handfuls of almonds, three pitas with almond butter, 9 organic gingerbread cookies from across the pond, and 14 cocoanut cookies. The label touted them being vegetarian. How many cookies aren't? come on now. Dinner included a bunch of random snacks. A 2 ounce thing of haagen das vanilla ice cream, a bag of microwave popcorn from act II, a pack of peanut m&m's, a pack of white cheddar cheezits, and a snickers. Granted, these were all from a vending machine at work and came in really small portions. Oh, and two 30 oz's of miller high life light. I don't know where it all goes. still a machine at 27. forgive my drunken gloating..I have nothing better to do at this hour. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
2:20 am	I'M BACK! HERE'S THE SHITTY QUIZ TO PROVE IT. You Are 22 Years Old Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. What Age Do You Act? Current Music: Prayer for cleansing - who knows, it's on a mix tape (1 Comment |Comment on this)
2:06 am	That little acoustic song snippet that goes along with every brokeback mountain ad on tv really strikes me. somewhere. I saw the movie, but I don't recall where it was played in there, and I doubt there were any lyrics. The movie was really good though, albeit quite depressing. Nothing like seeing it in SF and watching all the perfectly dressed gay couples walking out in tears. Makes me wish I was gay. So much anger I could direct towards the bigots. Funny...the ad just came on tv and the song played. Time to go out and party so I can be back at a decent hour for work at 11am. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 19th, 2006
6:30 pm	You learn a lot hanging out all day and night "partying" with "friends" First and foremost, you feel so much better about yourself when you've chosen a night where you don't have to work the next day. Watching your fellow partiers call in sick or drag themselves to the bus station is sad. But at the same time it feels so good. You get to see which of your friends ask to borrow money, as if it's their priviledge and you owe them. Sometimes said friends will buy things with the aforementioned borrowed money, and then not offer to share with you. Blah blah blah. I intended for this to be a nice, long rant...but I'm too tired. You get the gist though. Moral of the story: I can count my friends on maybe two or three fingers in this city. My "friends" are incalcuable. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 14th, 2006
1:11 am	It's been a while So here's the update on my life, for the two or three of you who still bother checking in. I'm a manager, which is nice because I make a lot more, but not so nice because I work so much I can't go back to school this semester like I planned. Fucking myself in the long run, but what else is new. My parents visited over xmas, which kind of bummed me out because they came all that way, and the 6 days they were here the only day off I had to spend with them was xmas. Kind of depressing. Added onto that, I just moved into a new place on dec. first, and most of the time I spent with them was us shopping for housewares, since my old roommates somehow managed to walk away with most of what was mine. SPeaking of the move...I'm slowly starting to like my place. It's a studio, so living alone again was pretty depressing. And I'm paying 825 as opposed to 548. And it's the ghetto ...near union square and the financial district. Most of the ghettoness comes from tranny hookers and bums/crackheads, so at least I don't have to worry about getting jumped. I think that's it. Time to go out and get drunk. I have a three day weekend and you don't, bitches! Current Music: cave in - programmed behind (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, November 11th, 2005
6:20 am	Well since myspace isn't working I'll relate a little story for you all. Tonight I really wanted to go out...I hadn't been out in a week, and I had a two hour interview this afternoon, so I needed to unwind. Popscene was my place of choice, only because I havent been there in 3 or 4 months, and having lots of 16yr olds hit on me would do a lot for my dwindling self esteem at this point. Long story short, I couldnt find anyone to go with me, so I ended up riding my bike to the mission to meet up with a friend for a beer. By the time I got there, the bouncer at the bar had just punched some homeless dude asking for change, which was pretty fucked up, so we went to another bar across the street. Eventually we left and met up with friends at some bar called the mix in the castro. It ended up being a full on boys night out. I was with my friends, but other dudes I could tell were eyein the sidepipe. anyways, nothing else exciting happened. my coworker told me how all the new people think I'm mean, when the truth is I'm just a shy person. fuck em. Some kid outside of this bar called Moby Dick's yelled "all straight people should go the fuck home!" I look more queer than him so I wasnt offended. Fucking people. (Comment on this)
4:41 am	Heading back to Bama So it's set, I'm flying in on sunday the 20th and leaving on thursday the 24th. Kind of sucks spending turkey day on an airplane but I have to work the day afterwards. I'd like to hang with as many of you as possible. Megan, brandon, dave, geno, marie, ana (yeah I know you said youd be in atl but I miss your ass!), daniel wagner,dayna, crystal, reggie, adam weedhead. There's more people, and you know who you are. Whoever kept me sane living in that shithole. I'll be bro'in down, but no drinking. sorry, but that just isnt me anymore and I want to actually remember and appreciate this time coming back home and spending time with my parents and friends. 415-823-4665. hit me up. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, October 21st, 2005
2:38 pm	So I'm pretty positive I'll be coming to visit my parents in Al from the sunday before thanksgiving until thanksgiving day. apparently that's how it's going to have to work since the day after thanksgiving is a mandatory work day. I'm working on finding a different job though, so I guess the trip isnt definite yet. Whatevs. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 28th, 2005
1:48 am	I accidentally knocked out a retarded man yesterday. I haven't felt that bad in a long time. I did however win an unbroken shirt on ebay today so that made me feel a little better. (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 19th, 2005
6:18 pm	When I was walking home from the gym this morning I came across one of the most amazing things ever. A bunch of karate dudes pouring out of the gracie jiu jitsu studio near my house fighting some bum that had wandered in. The best was the guy in front attacking him with a bo. I also found a lighter on that same walk home, which is really nice because I've been using matches since someone pocketed my lighter almost two weeks ago. (6 Comments |Comment on this)